Mess #3,254 and counting . . .

While I was nursing the baby today (these stories seem to always start with "when I was nursing the baby") I once more made the mistake of leaving the bedroom door open AND not locking Kenzie in the living room with our child-proof gate (Why did I buy the stupid thing if all I do is forget to use it?) Anyway, my forgetfulness led to the worst mess yet. All the other messes up to this point have been cleanable for the most part (although, diaper rash ointment is a hard one to remove). Kenzie came walking into the living room holding none other than my bleaching pen and asking for wipes so that she could clean up her messes. Oh yes, I really wanted to scream this time! Probably wouldn't have been so bad if she wasn't wearing her brand new clothes that I got her for her birthday! The floor in the bedroom was also bleached, but I'm not so concerned about that seeing how there were already several bleach stains on the carpet when we moved in. Oh well, it's my own fault to have left a bleaching pen withing the reach of a two year old, but nevertheless it was still quite frustrating . . .

Sleep Deprived

I've talked to several moms about this topic and I am always surprised to hear the phrase, "Oh, you just get used to it." I am yet to figure out HOW one just gets used to having sleep in two and three hour increments for months on end. I am on week four and I don't see myself getting used to it any time soon!

The worst part is that half of the sleep deprivation is not the newborns fault. That's right - my toddler has decided to make two and three am wake-up calls in between the wake up calls of Jordyn! Kenzie has her final molars coming through and this has amounted to some major screaming in the early morning hours. Garrett and I don't know what to do. The neighbors have let us know that they never hear Jordyn, but they frequently are awakened by Kenzie - so this makes letting Kenzie cry it out very uncomfortable. The thing is that as soon as we walk into her bedroom the screaming stops. She isn't even really crying, she is just screaming our names at the top of her lungs and whining as loudly as possible. Last night her screaming woke up Jordyn (which is hard considering that the kid sleeps through the vacuum cleaner, diaper changes, and even slept the the beginning of a bath one day). We are at our wits end with Kenzie! This has been going on for about ten days now and Garrett and I are absolute zombies.

The worst is the mood that sleep deprivation leaves me in. It is so hard to be patient and upbeat when I'm only getting three and four hours of sleep at night. I just keep telling myself that "this too shall pass" but right now it seems like no end is in sight . . .

Kenzisms - A Few Favorites

A few phrases and words from our gal Kenzie:

"Dashshshshsh" This can mean, I want to be Dash, I want to watch Dash, or she wants you to be Dash. Our girl is obsessed with Dash. She would watch his movie three times a day if I let her! Dash really does come in handy though. For example, today while I was trying to open the elevator while juggling an infant car seat with a wailing baby inside, all the mail, and a diaper bag that was slipping off of my shoulder, MaKenzie decided to use the keys on every mail box in the lobby. I tried to get her to come get in the elevator, but she was much to preoccupied with the keys and the mailboxes. I then exitedly exclaimed "Kenzie, be Dash!" and she promplty responded by running as fast as she could into the elevator. While I want to burn the movie after having seen it so many times, Dash is a great babysitter and a great motivator for destracted toddlers!

"E-I-E-I-OOOOO" Kenzie loves to sing and this is one of her favorite songs. I love it when she sings it because she always makes the "O" last forever and it cracks me up.

"Siser ni-ni agin?" or "Siser sna agin?" This stands for "Sister is night-night (or asleep) again?" and "Sister snacking (or eating) again?" She has quickly figured out that sister just doesn't do much these days.

A Mother of Two

I can't lie, being the mother of two has thrown me a lot more curve balls than I ever anticipated. The pure exhuastion that comes with a newborn just doesn't mix well with the never ending energy of a toddler. The last three weeks have been a trial of patience and emotional stability (any new mom knows what I mean by emotional stability - those moments of breaking into sobbing tears over silly things that you know wouldn't be bothering you if you had had more than two hours of sleep the night before . . . ) I have learned a few lessons from this crazy transition that I don't want to forget:

Lesson #1: Just laugh, it really is good for the soul. One thing that has been tried and tested every day since we had Jordyn is our patience, and we have found laughter to be a helpful remedy for moments of frustration.

MaKenzie has created a few messess in the last few weeks that made me want to pull my hair out and scream at first, but Garrett and I have just learned to laugh, clean it up, and move on. Here are two of the most recent messess:

For MaKenzie's second birthday her Grandma Voeks got her a tea set that she absolutely adores. This tea set is the best non-human babysitter that I could have ever asked for. (Well, Walt Disney videos are a definate competitor when it comes to the "non-human babysitter") Anywho, Kenzie will play with this tea set for hours. Any friends who come to the house to visit are always graciously offered several cups of tea.

Well, yesterday while I was nursing the baby Kenzie was sitting right in front of me with her back to me watching TV and playing with her tea set. She also had her sippy cup full of milk. I'm sure you can all put two and two together . . . Yes, my bright daughter decided that she needed some real liquid to fill her tea cups so she decided to take big sips of milk from her sippy and spit them into the cups and kettle of her tea set. I didn't catch onto the fun until the carpet, the toddler, and the tea cups were full of milk.

My first feeling was frustration. It was right before nap time and I had just changed her diaper in preparation for nap. The baby was fussy and I had a lot of management duties to tend to at that moment as well. So now I had a fussy baby, management duties, a toddler to change into dry clothes and a dry diaper, a floor to clean up, and a tea set to clean. So, I said quick prayer to avoid frustration and who should call but my dad? I explained the situation to him and he found great humor in the situation helping me to see the humor and laugh as well. My dad just saw his granddaughter as being smart . . . Mom didn't provide any real liquid for the tea, so she did.

Our second moment that left us wanting to pull out our hair occurred a few weeks ago when Kenzie found the baby lotion. I was nursing and Garrett was cleaning the kitchen and Kenzie was left to wonder at her own free will. After about ten or fifteen minutes of nursing I had that all to familiar, yet uncomfortable feeling that the house was too quite. I called to Garrett to ask if he could see Kenzie. We both began looking for her only to find her sitting on the floor in the nursery in a puddle of lotion. There was lotion in her hair, in huge globs all over her legs, lotion on the crib, you get the picture . . . The good news is that our nursery carpet is super soft and smells like baby lotion. :)

So, while these moments can be frustrating because all they seem to look like at the time is another huge mess to clean up, there really is a lot of humor to be had. Laughing rather than yanking Kenzie into time-out has been very helpful for everyone.

Lesson #2: Remember the joyful moments of the day. At the end of the day when I am in bed trying to settle in for a few precious hours of sleep I try to remember the joyful moments of the day. Most days this last week have been extremely difficult. This was my first week without any extra adult help which meant a lot less rest for me, which also meant I was more irritable and emotional. I have found a lot of relief in just remembering the precious moments of the day. Just those little things like MaKenzie giving Jordyn a kiss on the forehead, or Garrett coming home with a smile on his face and dinner in his hands. They're nothing huge, but help me to remember how much I really do love being a mother and how much I love the people I serve each day.

Lesson #3: Me time. Going from the mother of two to the mother of one puts a big damper on the amount of "me time" a woman has. By the end of the first weeks I was just so drained. As Garrett and I discussed ways to help me keep it together during these next few weeks and months he suggested that I be sure to get a few hours of me time in each week. This is time when I am free of the girls to do whatever I want.

At first I was almost confused by this idea. I regrettfully say that it's been a while since I have pursued any of my hobbies. I can't tell you the last time I picked up my flute, my guitar, or just sat at the piano. I can't tell you how long it's been since I did some good scrapbooking, and a lot of the books that I love to read are still in a box in storage. I have shamefully let some of my great talents tall to the wayside. So when Garrett suggested this it was really quite refreshing. Not only do I walk away from "me time" feeling refreshed and energized and ready to be a better mom, but I am also doing things that I really love to do. Motherhood is really the most demanding job anyone could have. There is always something to be done for someone in the household and its been easy for me to get so cuaght up in everyone elses needs that I forget about some of my own.

Lesson #4: When it comes down to it, motherhood is the job I always wanted and it's the best job ever. Just yesterday Kenzie woke up from a nap early so I went in to get her and we curled up on the couch together and she fell asleep in my arms. Jordyn was fast asleep in the crib next to us. While I looked at my sleeping girls I was overcome with awe and love for these two little beings that Heavenly Father has entrusted to me. I began to think about the day, which had basocally been one of the most trying days of my entire motherhood existence. As I thought I realized that motherhood is the only job EVER that can be so physically, emotionally, and spiritually demanding. It gives numerous daily opportunities to be patient, loving, understaning, and to render service. There is no other job that can give so many opportunities to practice the greatest characteristics that so many of us seek to aquire. I want nothing more than to be a patient, loving, understaning person - and motherhood gives me a chance to work on these qualities every day. It's not easy, and some days it doesn't feel like its worth it; but it is the job I always wanted and it's the best job ever!

Toddler Moments

Sometimes motherhood seems to be filled with never ending moments of worry. It's quite silly and usually a waste of time, but I think we are all guilty of being worrisome from time to time - it just comes with the job. My latest worries have been induced by toddler hood. I am now the mother of a full blown toddler. There is no more baby left in Kenzie anymore. While I still call her my baby and will have a hard time thinking of her otherwise she is definitely growing into a little girl. She runs instead of waddling, she whines instead of crying, she talks instead of babbling, and she is the most curious little gal ever. Sometimes this toddler hood can translate to a mom who wants to pull her hair out because if all those things come together in one moment you have a child who is running, whining, talking, and being curious all at the same time.

My most recent motherhood worry comes from the whining department. Kenzie rarely seems to express herself without whining about what it is that she needs. More often than not I can't entirely understand what it is that she is complaining about which leads to more whining. Garrett and I have learned a lot of patience in the last few weeks. Often by the end of the day our first instinct is to just want to put her in her crib and cry and whine all night long; but we've learned to get down on her level and try to talk to her about what is going on. It can take some time and effort at times, but we usually end up with a happier toddler that way. It's amazing what a prayer, a deep breath, and some patience can do for you. It's really helped me in all of my relationships with people. Let's face it, there are other people besides toddlers that we would like to just lock in a crib at times and let them whine it out, but that's just not realistic. So, dealing with Kenzie has really helped me to be patient with other difficult personalities that we often find ourselves dealing with (we won't mention any names).

Anyway, my second worry involves our recent entry into nursery. It seems that Kenzie has a knack for being a silent instigator of trouble in the nursery. She often quietly approaches other kids and silently takes their toys or pushes them aside to get to what she wants which always leads that kid into a temper tantrum or a full out attack on Kenzie (which I don't feel bad about - she has it coming). Anyway, this just worries me! Garrett assures me that all kids this age just don't know how to share yet and are very one tract minded in getting what they want - which I know is true; however, when it is your baby being the instigator it worries me a lot more! It really makes for funny stories further down the road, but right now I don't want my kid of be a bully! I try not to talk like this in front of MaKenzie because if I am always expressing my worries that she is a bully or unkind she is more likely to believe that. For now I know that I just have to know that "this too shall pass" . . .

On a lighter note, this stage of childhood is SO much fun to watch. I am SO grateful for the blessing that I have in being a stay at home mom and getting so see every moment of our kids lives develop. Kenzie loves to pretend play lately. She pushes her dollies in the stroller, wraps them up in blankets and puts them down for naps, puts them on the potty, and even places them in time-out. She loves to dress up in my shoes, necklaces, and hair things and then prance around the house singing. Her newest obsession is taking on and off her own shoes and socks, she is not very good at it - but not a day goes by when I don't find her shoes ans socks drawer all over the floor with her in the middle of the pile trying on her "choos" and "gocks". Her vocabulary seems to grow every day. There are still many words that I don't understand - which can lead to upset toddler at times - but we are slowly figuring out how to communicate. Her favorite words right now seem to be "mine" and "no" - once again, we know we have a toddler on our hands! :) It's fun to have a little kid around that you can really play with now. She'll chase us around and then we chase her around while she squeals in delight. She loves piggy back rides and really enjoys the park. She has a huge obsession with everything Elmo and everything Nemo, which is also entertaining to watch as well.

Anyway, I have been on the computer too long and Kenzie is begging to go "side" (outside). I promised her a trip to the library and the park this morning so it looks like we better get going. She is currently trying to shoves shoes on my feet in attempts to get me going. Gotta love it! :)

No Doubt About It

This is a fabulous book written by one of the former General Relief Society Presidents for the church. Today I came across a few quotes on motherhood that I would like to share that offered me a lot of courage a strength:

The first one is from President Gordon B. Hinckley:

"You have nothing in this world more precious than your children. When you grow old, when your hair turns white and your body grows weary, when you are prone to sit in a rocker and meditate on the things of your life, nothing will be so important as the question of how your children have turned out. . . . The searing questions that will cross your mind again and again will be, How well have my children done? If the answer is that they have done very well, then your happiness will be complete. If they have done less than well, then no other satisfaction can compensate for your loss" (Ensign, November 2000, 97)

The second part came directly from Sister Dew as she shared some of her thoughts about motherhood:

"Research conducted by the Church indicates that the single biggest factor affecting a child's participation in and attendance at church is the mother's attendance. This is not to say that the father's activity and participation are unimportant, but it is principally mothers who help their children prepare talks for Primary, who make sure their youth make it to girls camp and Mutual and youth conference, who help their children get ready on Sunday morning. Mothers are the emotional glue that hold the family together. (No Doubt About it, 63, p2)

I often find it easy to believe that I am not doing good enough. I quickly criticize myself about not being a good enough cook, a good enough visiting teacher, that the house is never clean enough, that I am not a good enough manager, or a good enough friend or mother. I quickly let these thoughts of inadequacy run me down. I know that I have written about this topic before, but it really something that the adversary pursues me with.

Reading these passages today helped to put things into perspective once again and offer me yet another reminder of what my priorities really should be. As a mother and wife I hold the most privileged and honored position that Heavenly Father can offer his daughters. As a mother and wife I have the magnificent responsibility to rear righteous children who can live in the world, but not be of the world. Sometimes Satan makes this task even seem too daunting, but that is also a lie. It was so comforting to read how significant my role as a mother is. Sometimes I don't feel like I'm worth a whole lot except for making on mistake after another, but when I look at it from President Hinckley and Sister Dew's perspective I see that I am a daughter of God who has been endowed with the responsibility and privilege of rearing children in the Lord's kingdom. What a comfort it is to know that I am one of the Lord's chosen and I can do a great a marvelous work here in my home. I can provide my children with good moral values. I can teach them of the love of our Lord Jesus Christ and His infinite atoning power. I can be an example of how to love and serve others. I can teach them to love to learn, to love life, and to love being obedient. I will do this just as my parents did this - through example. I can't count how many times I walked in on my mother praying, reading scriptures, or writing in the scriptures. Every time I came home from a late night outing my dad was uncomfortably sleeping on the couch or waiting up for me to hear about the nights events - this told me that my life and what I was doing was important to him. My dad always wanted me to go tag along with him while he ran simple errands - teaching me that my company was important and worth while. My mom always told me I was beautiful and talented - which I often times shrugged off, but such loving comments left an impact on my self worth and esteem. They taught by example that their children were the most important parts of their lives and that the gospel of Jesus Christ is what provides all the help and relief that we need in our lives. I hope and pray to be that old woman that President Hinckley spoke of in his quote who can look back over my life and feel that my children are good people, there really is nothing that I desire more than to see my children happy. Garrett and I are often in awe at what happiness we enjoy in our marriage and in our home. We so many marriages around us failing, that are full of contempt and backbiting, where there is little forgiveness and plenty of bitterness. If I lost every personal possession that this world has to offer, but still had the love and respect of my husband and children I would feel to be among the most blessed of Heavenly Father's children. I hope my children will cling to their testimonies of this gospel no matter what life throws their way and find the peace that comes in keeping the Lord's commands. Life is challenging, frustrating, and hard at times, but well worth it if lived in a such a way that we can stand guiltless before our Heavenly Father at the judgement day and receive that blissful reward of living with our most beloved families for time and all eternity.

Some Relief

The last few days of this pregnancy have been so much better. I can't tell how much of it comes from an attitude adjustment after this last fabulous General Conference or how much of it is relief from the sickness. I have only vomited once or twice this entire week, which is a record so far, but I have also finally learned the right schedule for taking the pills and have been consistent about remembering to take them. Either way, I am welcoming the relief.

Today I have been able to keep the house pretty clean and even get out our Halloween/Fall decorations. Yesterday I made an outing to the doctors with MaKenzie and ate lunch with Garrett at the school AND I vacuumed! It's funny what you take for granted when you are healthy. I was seriously so grateful to just be able to run the vacuum without throwing up after.

The biggest change that conference has brought is that of having an attitude of gratitude. While I'm still no pro, when I wake in the middle of the night and totally sick I find it so helpful to count my blessings and realize that things could be so much worse; and low and behold I feel strength to keep going with a smile. I've also realized what a difference my attitude makes for Kenzie and Garrett. When I walk around glum and sick rather than trying to smile and be happy, there is a big difference in our home. I may feel like crap, but I don't have to always show it. I can see the relief on Garrett's face when he comes though the door to a smiling wife rather than one that is curled up on the couch looking pale and miserable.

MaKenzie is growing so big. I just can't believe how fast time is going. I was find of giggling to myself yesterday because on all the errands we went on people were saying "Wow, what a cute big girl!" and I'm thinking, no, she's still my baby! But no, she is walking (more like running) everywhere and she definitely has developed her own little personality. She knows what she wants and she can be pretty aggressive if she doesn't get it. I'm also surprised at how confident she is. She has no problem telling people no if she doesn't want them to hold her or come near her. She doesn't toddle shyly to me or Garrett, she just looks them in the eye and says no. She's getting really brave at getting out of mine and Garrett's eyesight as well. Most the time she thinks its funny to see how far she can get from us before we chase her down. She's still my baby in many ways though. This weekend is Fleet Week so there is are two shows of the Blue Angels right down the street from our place in the bay. (You can see them perfectly from our roof and it is REALLY something to see!) Anyway, a bunch of airplanes have been practicing the past few days and it is so loud when they fly over the house that the house will start shaking sometimes. Kenzie is NOT a fan of the rumbles - needless to say, nap time has been a nightmare. Every time she hears them pass she shrieks and runs to me. If anyone says the word airplane now she comes to cuddle with daddy or me. I can't even express how much I love watching her grow and learn.

I never knew a toddler took SO much energy. She is everywhere and into everything all at once. She climbs, runs, and goes over (never around) everything. I have to admit that it is exhausting at the end of most days. It can be hard to be patient and happy with a determined and wired toddler all day. All I can say is I don't know how single moms do it. If it weren't for the few minutes of relief that Garrett can offer me when he comes through the door energized and ready to play, I don't know what I would do. Garrett is such a fabulous father. He always gets down on his hands and knees to play with her and always patiently lets her "help" him with the tasks that he is doing. (She loves doing dishes with daddy, he gives her the silverware to put in the dishwasher and she rearranges them in every way imaginable.)

Anyway, life is beautiful. The blessings way out measure the trials and our family is happy to just be together . . . forever.