Toddler Moments

Sometimes motherhood seems to be filled with never ending moments of worry. It's quite silly and usually a waste of time, but I think we are all guilty of being worrisome from time to time - it just comes with the job. My latest worries have been induced by toddler hood. I am now the mother of a full blown toddler. There is no more baby left in Kenzie anymore. While I still call her my baby and will have a hard time thinking of her otherwise she is definitely growing into a little girl. She runs instead of waddling, she whines instead of crying, she talks instead of babbling, and she is the most curious little gal ever. Sometimes this toddler hood can translate to a mom who wants to pull her hair out because if all those things come together in one moment you have a child who is running, whining, talking, and being curious all at the same time.

My most recent motherhood worry comes from the whining department. Kenzie rarely seems to express herself without whining about what it is that she needs. More often than not I can't entirely understand what it is that she is complaining about which leads to more whining. Garrett and I have learned a lot of patience in the last few weeks. Often by the end of the day our first instinct is to just want to put her in her crib and cry and whine all night long; but we've learned to get down on her level and try to talk to her about what is going on. It can take some time and effort at times, but we usually end up with a happier toddler that way. It's amazing what a prayer, a deep breath, and some patience can do for you. It's really helped me in all of my relationships with people. Let's face it, there are other people besides toddlers that we would like to just lock in a crib at times and let them whine it out, but that's just not realistic. So, dealing with Kenzie has really helped me to be patient with other difficult personalities that we often find ourselves dealing with (we won't mention any names).

Anyway, my second worry involves our recent entry into nursery. It seems that Kenzie has a knack for being a silent instigator of trouble in the nursery. She often quietly approaches other kids and silently takes their toys or pushes them aside to get to what she wants which always leads that kid into a temper tantrum or a full out attack on Kenzie (which I don't feel bad about - she has it coming). Anyway, this just worries me! Garrett assures me that all kids this age just don't know how to share yet and are very one tract minded in getting what they want - which I know is true; however, when it is your baby being the instigator it worries me a lot more! It really makes for funny stories further down the road, but right now I don't want my kid of be a bully! I try not to talk like this in front of MaKenzie because if I am always expressing my worries that she is a bully or unkind she is more likely to believe that. For now I know that I just have to know that "this too shall pass" . . .

On a lighter note, this stage of childhood is SO much fun to watch. I am SO grateful for the blessing that I have in being a stay at home mom and getting so see every moment of our kids lives develop. Kenzie loves to pretend play lately. She pushes her dollies in the stroller, wraps them up in blankets and puts them down for naps, puts them on the potty, and even places them in time-out. She loves to dress up in my shoes, necklaces, and hair things and then prance around the house singing. Her newest obsession is taking on and off her own shoes and socks, she is not very good at it - but not a day goes by when I don't find her shoes ans socks drawer all over the floor with her in the middle of the pile trying on her "choos" and "gocks". Her vocabulary seems to grow every day. There are still many words that I don't understand - which can lead to upset toddler at times - but we are slowly figuring out how to communicate. Her favorite words right now seem to be "mine" and "no" - once again, we know we have a toddler on our hands! :) It's fun to have a little kid around that you can really play with now. She'll chase us around and then we chase her around while she squeals in delight. She loves piggy back rides and really enjoys the park. She has a huge obsession with everything Elmo and everything Nemo, which is also entertaining to watch as well.

Anyway, I have been on the computer too long and Kenzie is begging to go "side" (outside). I promised her a trip to the library and the park this morning so it looks like we better get going. She is currently trying to shoves shoes on my feet in attempts to get me going. Gotta love it! :)

No Doubt About It

This is a fabulous book written by one of the former General Relief Society Presidents for the church. Today I came across a few quotes on motherhood that I would like to share that offered me a lot of courage a strength:

The first one is from President Gordon B. Hinckley:

"You have nothing in this world more precious than your children. When you grow old, when your hair turns white and your body grows weary, when you are prone to sit in a rocker and meditate on the things of your life, nothing will be so important as the question of how your children have turned out. . . . The searing questions that will cross your mind again and again will be, How well have my children done? If the answer is that they have done very well, then your happiness will be complete. If they have done less than well, then no other satisfaction can compensate for your loss" (Ensign, November 2000, 97)

The second part came directly from Sister Dew as she shared some of her thoughts about motherhood:

"Research conducted by the Church indicates that the single biggest factor affecting a child's participation in and attendance at church is the mother's attendance. This is not to say that the father's activity and participation are unimportant, but it is principally mothers who help their children prepare talks for Primary, who make sure their youth make it to girls camp and Mutual and youth conference, who help their children get ready on Sunday morning. Mothers are the emotional glue that hold the family together. (No Doubt About it, 63, p2)

I often find it easy to believe that I am not doing good enough. I quickly criticize myself about not being a good enough cook, a good enough visiting teacher, that the house is never clean enough, that I am not a good enough manager, or a good enough friend or mother. I quickly let these thoughts of inadequacy run me down. I know that I have written about this topic before, but it really something that the adversary pursues me with.

Reading these passages today helped to put things into perspective once again and offer me yet another reminder of what my priorities really should be. As a mother and wife I hold the most privileged and honored position that Heavenly Father can offer his daughters. As a mother and wife I have the magnificent responsibility to rear righteous children who can live in the world, but not be of the world. Sometimes Satan makes this task even seem too daunting, but that is also a lie. It was so comforting to read how significant my role as a mother is. Sometimes I don't feel like I'm worth a whole lot except for making on mistake after another, but when I look at it from President Hinckley and Sister Dew's perspective I see that I am a daughter of God who has been endowed with the responsibility and privilege of rearing children in the Lord's kingdom. What a comfort it is to know that I am one of the Lord's chosen and I can do a great a marvelous work here in my home. I can provide my children with good moral values. I can teach them of the love of our Lord Jesus Christ and His infinite atoning power. I can be an example of how to love and serve others. I can teach them to love to learn, to love life, and to love being obedient. I will do this just as my parents did this - through example. I can't count how many times I walked in on my mother praying, reading scriptures, or writing in the scriptures. Every time I came home from a late night outing my dad was uncomfortably sleeping on the couch or waiting up for me to hear about the nights events - this told me that my life and what I was doing was important to him. My dad always wanted me to go tag along with him while he ran simple errands - teaching me that my company was important and worth while. My mom always told me I was beautiful and talented - which I often times shrugged off, but such loving comments left an impact on my self worth and esteem. They taught by example that their children were the most important parts of their lives and that the gospel of Jesus Christ is what provides all the help and relief that we need in our lives. I hope and pray to be that old woman that President Hinckley spoke of in his quote who can look back over my life and feel that my children are good people, there really is nothing that I desire more than to see my children happy. Garrett and I are often in awe at what happiness we enjoy in our marriage and in our home. We so many marriages around us failing, that are full of contempt and backbiting, where there is little forgiveness and plenty of bitterness. If I lost every personal possession that this world has to offer, but still had the love and respect of my husband and children I would feel to be among the most blessed of Heavenly Father's children. I hope my children will cling to their testimonies of this gospel no matter what life throws their way and find the peace that comes in keeping the Lord's commands. Life is challenging, frustrating, and hard at times, but well worth it if lived in a such a way that we can stand guiltless before our Heavenly Father at the judgement day and receive that blissful reward of living with our most beloved families for time and all eternity.

Some Relief

The last few days of this pregnancy have been so much better. I can't tell how much of it comes from an attitude adjustment after this last fabulous General Conference or how much of it is relief from the sickness. I have only vomited once or twice this entire week, which is a record so far, but I have also finally learned the right schedule for taking the pills and have been consistent about remembering to take them. Either way, I am welcoming the relief.

Today I have been able to keep the house pretty clean and even get out our Halloween/Fall decorations. Yesterday I made an outing to the doctors with MaKenzie and ate lunch with Garrett at the school AND I vacuumed! It's funny what you take for granted when you are healthy. I was seriously so grateful to just be able to run the vacuum without throwing up after.

The biggest change that conference has brought is that of having an attitude of gratitude. While I'm still no pro, when I wake in the middle of the night and totally sick I find it so helpful to count my blessings and realize that things could be so much worse; and low and behold I feel strength to keep going with a smile. I've also realized what a difference my attitude makes for Kenzie and Garrett. When I walk around glum and sick rather than trying to smile and be happy, there is a big difference in our home. I may feel like crap, but I don't have to always show it. I can see the relief on Garrett's face when he comes though the door to a smiling wife rather than one that is curled up on the couch looking pale and miserable.

MaKenzie is growing so big. I just can't believe how fast time is going. I was find of giggling to myself yesterday because on all the errands we went on people were saying "Wow, what a cute big girl!" and I'm thinking, no, she's still my baby! But no, she is walking (more like running) everywhere and she definitely has developed her own little personality. She knows what she wants and she can be pretty aggressive if she doesn't get it. I'm also surprised at how confident she is. She has no problem telling people no if she doesn't want them to hold her or come near her. She doesn't toddle shyly to me or Garrett, she just looks them in the eye and says no. She's getting really brave at getting out of mine and Garrett's eyesight as well. Most the time she thinks its funny to see how far she can get from us before we chase her down. She's still my baby in many ways though. This weekend is Fleet Week so there is are two shows of the Blue Angels right down the street from our place in the bay. (You can see them perfectly from our roof and it is REALLY something to see!) Anyway, a bunch of airplanes have been practicing the past few days and it is so loud when they fly over the house that the house will start shaking sometimes. Kenzie is NOT a fan of the rumbles - needless to say, nap time has been a nightmare. Every time she hears them pass she shrieks and runs to me. If anyone says the word airplane now she comes to cuddle with daddy or me. I can't even express how much I love watching her grow and learn.

I never knew a toddler took SO much energy. She is everywhere and into everything all at once. She climbs, runs, and goes over (never around) everything. I have to admit that it is exhausting at the end of most days. It can be hard to be patient and happy with a determined and wired toddler all day. All I can say is I don't know how single moms do it. If it weren't for the few minutes of relief that Garrett can offer me when he comes through the door energized and ready to play, I don't know what I would do. Garrett is such a fabulous father. He always gets down on his hands and knees to play with her and always patiently lets her "help" him with the tasks that he is doing. (She loves doing dishes with daddy, he gives her the silverware to put in the dishwasher and she rearranges them in every way imaginable.)

Anyway, life is beautiful. The blessings way out measure the trials and our family is happy to just be together . . . forever.

Miracle Meds

Well, the last few weeks have proven to be some of the most trying times that I think Garrett and I have faced in a while. My pregnancy wasn't going too well at all. I was throwing up many times a day and I would throw up so violently that I started to spit up blood and pass out. There were so many days that I found that I was just curled up in a ball on the floor praying for the strength to make it through another day. Things got so bad that Garrett and I were considering making some huge changes such as flying Kenzie and out to Utah for an indefinite amount of time while my family helped care for Kenzie and I. We considered quitting the apartment management or hiring a nurse or cleaning person of some sort. All of these options we weren't very happy about due to the fact that it would drain us financially or separate our family.

Just when things were at their worst Garrett I was suddenly getting multiple calls from sisters in the ward. Some would come and take Kenzie to playgroups in the morning hours when the sickness was the worst or some would bring us meals. This truly was an answer to prayer for us. Because of the help of these dear sisters I found that I had just enough strength to make it through the days. The house still wasn't clean and many things didn't get done, but the most important things were getting done and we were getting by. Finally last week we found the right medication that has made life so much more bearable. The medication makes me tired, but I haven't thrown up in three days now so I'm finally getting my strength back as well.

I share this experience because it was a HUGE testimony builder in the end. Every time that one of the sisters would call or show up at my door I would think of the scripture "When ye are in the service of your fellow being you are in the service of your God" I realized how much our Heavenly Father probably wants to wrap his arms around me during those moments of trial and sine he can't right now while we are on this earth He sends us around serving each other. I also learned a great lesson about the spirit in my life. I doubt these sisters were having visions of Garrett and I in tears on our knees begging for help. They just had a kind thought to offer help and they acted on it. I guess the phrase "Still Small Voice" could be called "Subtle Kind Thought". The majority of the time the spirit communicates through a kind thought. A kind thought to admit when you are wrong, a kind thought about how to reach out to a neighbor, or a kind thought about how to do your calling better.

Anyway life is better now. I am so grateful to just have the energy to play with Kenzie without passing out or to call my dad and talk to him again without throwing up. It's amazing how you can take your heath for granted!

Sweet Relief

I have to just document here for a moment the wonderful friends and family that I have in my life. This pregnancy has been a bit of a trial for Garrett and I. Everyone asks if it is worse than last time and it is always a hard question to answer because my life circumstances are so different during these two pregnancies. Last time I was working CRAZY hours which had some crazy side affects such as having zero strength by the end of the day and the nausea was quite severe. This time around the nausea is still intense, but the demands of management aren't as strenuous. This time it's a lot harder emotionally to not be able to clean the house as much. My priorities are to keep Kenzie fed, as entertained as possible, and clean, to stay on top of management duties, and to stay on top of finances. When all of that gets done in a day I find that the day is over!? Plus, cleaning the kitchen and just being in the kitchen is always an extremely nauseating experience, which naturally makes keeping the kitchen clean a little bit difficult. Last pregnancy I didn't have to worry about the house at all. Garrett always got home from his job like two or three hours earlier than me most days which meant that I virtually did zero house cleaning or cooking (I know, I know, how much more fabulous of a husband can you get? I never even asked him to, he just did it!) Anyway, this time its stressful for Garrett because he has his school responsibilities to worry about when he gets home and up until now I have been perfectly fine doing all the house work and cooking. So, its hard to see Garrett more stressed than is necessary.
Well, sweet relief has come these past few weeks through other wonderful people. I was talking to my mom last week about how hard its been and she ended up dropping everything to fly out for five days and take care of me. She cleaned and cooked and cared for Kenzie while I caught up on lots of work and just took care of myself. The result was that I only threw up two or three times the entire week. Then this week my friends in the ward have been phenomenal. Today I had a phone call from my girlfriend Jodi Bauer who was on her way to Costco and insisted on picking me something up that was needed in my kitchen and then she wouldn't let me pay her for the groceries! Today I have had two girlfriends call who have told me that they are going to be at my house on certain days to steal Kenzie for a playdate for a few hours. And another one of my girlfriends showed up with dinner for us tonight. Then there are the Mishlers who are always around at the drop of a coin to take Kenzie or invite us for dinner on the days they know have been difficult for me. I just can't believe how blessed I am to have such wonderful friends and family. I really feel like I don't deserve it. I have learned a great lesson from all of these friends and family members. Often times I find that I offer help to someone by saying "Let me know if I can do anything for you." Well, while my intent is sincere I have really done nothing to act. All of these wonderful friends and family act and say the specific things they are going to do to help me and they do it. I really need to be more proactive in my acts of service from now on and hopefully this morning sickness won't last as long as last time so that I will be in a condition to start serving others soon. :)

About 4 Weeks Old

There is a baby in my belly that is about four weeks old. Yep, we are expecting baby number two. This experience is already so much different than last time. While we were trying to have a baby when MaKenzie was born we never dreamed it would happen so fast, so we weren't really keeping track of cycles and things. This time around I knew right away to take a pregnancy test and it was positive.

We have been trying for about three months now and due to the irregular patterns of my cycles we have had a few let downs when we took a test when my cycle was three weeks late to have it be negative and begin my period the next day. This time it was positive. :)

It's funny to already be noticing the symptoms at such an early stage. Last time around I just thought I had a little stomach digestion problems and I was close to my period which explained the mood swings. I feel a little bit more in control this time that I know what is going on from the very first step.

I have began feeling a little bit more nauseous each day but I find that it is so much easier this time when I can sit down when I need to and give my body time to recover. Last time I was waking up in the early morning hours everyday during the worst times of the sickness and forcing myself to be on the move for 10 and 11 hour days. Napping with Kenzie and snacking and eating meals with Kenzie has definitely been wonderful.

I am so excited to be a mom again. Being apart of a family is the best thing that has ever happened to me and I'm excited to make our family bigger. The joy that comes from a successful home is far greater than any joy I have ever felt in my life. I truly feel blessed to have a wonderful husband and father who is a righteous priesthood holder in my home and the principles of the gospel to help guide what we should do in our home. I love me life. :)

I need to vent . . .

I am just having one of those moments that I really just need a second to complain and express some silly concerns that have been piling up lately. I want to let it out but I don't really want to bother anyone with such trivial momentary feelings, but I also feel that I can get over it a little bit if I organize my thoughts in a little bit of a journal entry here. It's funny, but writing down my thoughts, especially the worrisome ones, can be very therapeutic for me. Anyway, here it goes.

Do you ever worry if you are being a good enough mom? I am just having one of those days where I worry. The world is getting uglier and uglier and I as a mother have a responsibility to raise children to be in the world and not of the world. I worry that I'm not being a good enough example by getting to easily frustrated some days and too frazzled others. I worry that I won't be able to create a loving relationship in my home where there is an open line of communication between me and my children. I worry that I am not disciplining enough or being patient enough. I know it's not good to worry, and it's not like I let these worries overwhelm me, it's just something that crosses my mind sometimes and especially concerns me on more emotional and stressful days such as today.

I know these silly worries and just the adversary's way of trying to convince me that I am not a good enough mother. Oh how he would love if I were to always dwell on these things rather than focusing on my children. I know that as Garrett and I pray each day and keep the commandments in holding FHE and family scripture study and prayer that there are great promises in our grasp, I now that having a close family means spends quality and quantity time together and that being a good mother comes as I simply do everything within my power to make sacrifices for my children to be with them every step of the way as they grow and develop. But, it's so easy to forget that when I am stressed with tons of apartment stuff, just returning from a vacation, finding out our insurance has been cancelled for some strange reason, when I am concerned for family members who are making poor decision and seeing them unhappy, and all the other tiny burdens of life.

I have a SUPER bad habit of comparing myself to other moms as well. I see the cute little things they do with things that they do with their kids and I worry that I am not doing enough. I see other kids already learning to be potty trained or learning to count and at first I think "They're only 15 months, there is plenty of time for that later" but then there is that little nagging voice that says "Maybe I should be doing that too, is my kid is going to get behind?" Comparing myself to others has never gotten me anything but upset and I know it is a bad habit, but some days it's harder than others.

Well, there is my venting session for the day. These are all such silly petty concerns that I know aren't true, but it is nice to write it down and just move on . . . :)