"Great, now I have Guilt"

Anyone who has a toddler who is obsessed with all Disney-Pixar films would know that "Great, now I have guilt" is what Rex says after the toys from Andy's toy room push Woody off the moving truck . . . ah, the things you learn as a mother.

Last night as I was falling asleep I was thinking of the guilt that all mothers seem to feel. It really doesn't make sense that we feel this guilt seeing how we are really quite a spectacular group of people. We give of ourselves in every single way possible. We sacrifice our time, our bodies, our talents, many luxuries, and who knows what else for our kids who we love so much. And we do it with very little complaint. In the end our work turns out to be the greatest that anyone could offer. Behind every great leader, every inventor, every good person is a mother who made sacrifices in one way or another (even if that mother was a lousy mother they at least gave that person life and went through the pregnancy and birthing process!). Now, I don't mean to be one of those "Praise me, I'm a mother, and you should appreciate it all that I do for you" kind of people. I only wish to point out that when all is said and done we really do some remarkable things as mothers, and all the guilt we feel for all the things we DON"T do is really a waste of time and emotion.

For example, in the last few weeks of being a mother of two I have felt guilty for the following:

1. Pressing play on the VCR too many times. My toddler has scenes from her favorite movies memorized and I manage to feel guilty for that quite often. I disregard the fact that she's learned a lot from educational TV. I disregard the fact that I truly am so physically tired at times that leaving the TV off and my toddler un-entertained would result in tears for everyone, and I disregard the fact that turning on the TV does not inevitably make me a bad mother - its not like we're watching trashy television!

2. I feel guilty for how much my husband is helping. Now this one I know is completely ridiculous because it is absolutely fabulous that my husband is one of those men who is a huge help with chores. I rarely clean the bathroom, he does laundry when he sees it needs to be done, he does dishes, he prepares meals, and he always takes out the trash before I can even notice it has a need for being emptied. It really is a wonderful blessing, but somehow I manage to find reason to feel guilt for all he does. I seem to think that its my job to do all household chores and I convince myself at times that a "good mom" does ALL the chores WITHOUT any help - ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS. But I still batter myself with the guilt bat with this one quite frequently.

3. I have felt guilty for my toddlers recent tendency to throw temper tantrums. I feel like its my fault and that I am doing something to trigger this. Or, should we be realistic and realize that my toddler is going through a huge change as she welcomes a new baby sister into the home, and she is already at that stage when she understands EVERYTHING around her but lacks the ability to effectively communicate what she wants - I think I would be throwing a few temper tantrums too. I fail to see the reality and replace reality with guilt.

The list could could go on to be quite long, but you get the picture. Why do we do this to ourselves? I really don't know the answer to that question; but I'm sure going to try and remember that I am a pretty dang cool person for giving of myself the way that I do and I'll try to forget about those very insignificant things that I manage to feel guilty for.

What They Never Told Me About Grooming

All right, this new section is dedicated to the "what they never told me" areas of motherhood. Now, I'm sure that there is someone out there that may say at times "No, I'm pretty sure I brought that up with Stephanie". So, apparently I was not listened well enough to the retain the information and I have decided to learn some lessons the hard way by living them in order to remember them.

This first "what they never told me" post is dedicated to grooming. No one ever told me that a shower would become a chore rather than a joy when I became a mother. No one ever told me that I would be scrambling many days just for those few blissful moments when I could quickly lather up the soap and wash and condition my hair. And no one ever told me how difficult it would be to find time for those few moments of bliss!

When I was single and shower a day was essential and two showers a day was just something I enjoyed doing at times. A shower is a way that I wind down. I am one of those people who like the water so hot that you can barely stand it and then the shower lasts until the water heater can't hold out any longer. (A waste, I know, but super relaxing at the end of a long day.) Now a shower a day is lucky. That's right ladies and gentlemen, as a mother I don't get a shower in every day. Gross and kind of embarrassing to admit, but I'm willing to bet that I am not the only one.

The problem is that with my first child I always had myself built up into such a ridiculous state of panic leaving the baby alone, even when she was asleep. The thought of "what if she wakes up and I can't hear her over the water?" was my constant concern. (Guess what? I learned that babies cry sometimes and that's OKAY! Who knew?) Having two has made the shower taking business a little bit trickier. My toddler now knows how to open doors, so the option of locking the baby in a bedroom while the toddler runs free is out. There is literally no place that I can lie the baby down without MaKenzie figuring out a way to get to the baby. MaKenzie will pile up toys or books or whatever so that she can get herself high enough to reach the baby. The second option I tried was using the childproof gate to lack Kenzie in a room. Well, the gate turns out not to be the most secure thing in the world due to the fact that our door frames are crooked (I love my little San Francisco apartment, but its in a very old building that is, well, crooked). So the few times I have tried this tactic MaKenzie throws a fit at the gate and stands on it which makes it falls down on top of her often squishing her and freaking her out even more. Once she is free of the gate she is once more available to attack the baby. The final problem presented itself when I decided to lock myself in the bathroom with the baby and leave the toddler free to romp about the house. This resulted in the biggest temper tantrum I have ever known MaKenzie to have. She was absolutely horrified at the fact that she had been locked out of the bathroom and the baby had been allowed to be in the bathroom with mommy. So now, I just take my showers when Garrett is home, which is always at the end of the day when I can think of a million other things that I'd like to get done now that I have another adult around to help.

So, to make an incredibly long story short, I don't shower every day and I don't think anyone notices, so I don't really care. If you had told me three years ago that I wouldn't care about going a day without a shower I would have laughed at you and said "yeah right". But, it is true. Motherhood just keeps you so busy with nursing, diaper changes, getting snacks, nursing, entertaining, running errands, nursing, and everything else that you just don't get around the shower thing every single day.

Kenzisms - Wuvs Siser

Every morning when I am done nursing Jordyn, Kenzie loves to come and sit by me and have me put Jordyn in her lap. The look that Kenzie has on her face when she is holding Jordyn is absolutely priceless. She seems to know that she is holding someone very special and straight from heaven. She always pats her softly and gives her lots of kisses. This morning she looked at me and said "Insi wuvs siser" (translation: "Kenzie loves sister") Its moments like these that make all the crazy moments well worth it!

Mess #3,254 and counting . . .

While I was nursing the baby today (these stories seem to always start with "when I was nursing the baby") I once more made the mistake of leaving the bedroom door open AND not locking Kenzie in the living room with our child-proof gate (Why did I buy the stupid thing if all I do is forget to use it?) Anyway, my forgetfulness led to the worst mess yet. All the other messes up to this point have been cleanable for the most part (although, diaper rash ointment is a hard one to remove). Kenzie came walking into the living room holding none other than my bleaching pen and asking for wipes so that she could clean up her messes. Oh yes, I really wanted to scream this time! Probably wouldn't have been so bad if she wasn't wearing her brand new clothes that I got her for her birthday! The floor in the bedroom was also bleached, but I'm not so concerned about that seeing how there were already several bleach stains on the carpet when we moved in. Oh well, it's my own fault to have left a bleaching pen withing the reach of a two year old, but nevertheless it was still quite frustrating . . .

Sleep Deprived

I've talked to several moms about this topic and I am always surprised to hear the phrase, "Oh, you just get used to it." I am yet to figure out HOW one just gets used to having sleep in two and three hour increments for months on end. I am on week four and I don't see myself getting used to it any time soon!

The worst part is that half of the sleep deprivation is not the newborns fault. That's right - my toddler has decided to make two and three am wake-up calls in between the wake up calls of Jordyn! Kenzie has her final molars coming through and this has amounted to some major screaming in the early morning hours. Garrett and I don't know what to do. The neighbors have let us know that they never hear Jordyn, but they frequently are awakened by Kenzie - so this makes letting Kenzie cry it out very uncomfortable. The thing is that as soon as we walk into her bedroom the screaming stops. She isn't even really crying, she is just screaming our names at the top of her lungs and whining as loudly as possible. Last night her screaming woke up Jordyn (which is hard considering that the kid sleeps through the vacuum cleaner, diaper changes, and even slept the the beginning of a bath one day). We are at our wits end with Kenzie! This has been going on for about ten days now and Garrett and I are absolute zombies.

The worst is the mood that sleep deprivation leaves me in. It is so hard to be patient and upbeat when I'm only getting three and four hours of sleep at night. I just keep telling myself that "this too shall pass" but right now it seems like no end is in sight . . .

Kenzisms - A Few Favorites

A few phrases and words from our gal Kenzie:

"Dashshshshsh" This can mean, I want to be Dash, I want to watch Dash, or she wants you to be Dash. Our girl is obsessed with Dash. She would watch his movie three times a day if I let her! Dash really does come in handy though. For example, today while I was trying to open the elevator while juggling an infant car seat with a wailing baby inside, all the mail, and a diaper bag that was slipping off of my shoulder, MaKenzie decided to use the keys on every mail box in the lobby. I tried to get her to come get in the elevator, but she was much to preoccupied with the keys and the mailboxes. I then exitedly exclaimed "Kenzie, be Dash!" and she promplty responded by running as fast as she could into the elevator. While I want to burn the movie after having seen it so many times, Dash is a great babysitter and a great motivator for destracted toddlers!

"E-I-E-I-OOOOO" Kenzie loves to sing and this is one of her favorite songs. I love it when she sings it because she always makes the "O" last forever and it cracks me up.

"Siser ni-ni agin?" or "Siser sna agin?" This stands for "Sister is night-night (or asleep) again?" and "Sister snacking (or eating) again?" She has quickly figured out that sister just doesn't do much these days.

A Mother of Two

I can't lie, being the mother of two has thrown me a lot more curve balls than I ever anticipated. The pure exhuastion that comes with a newborn just doesn't mix well with the never ending energy of a toddler. The last three weeks have been a trial of patience and emotional stability (any new mom knows what I mean by emotional stability - those moments of breaking into sobbing tears over silly things that you know wouldn't be bothering you if you had had more than two hours of sleep the night before . . . ) I have learned a few lessons from this crazy transition that I don't want to forget:

Lesson #1: Just laugh, it really is good for the soul. One thing that has been tried and tested every day since we had Jordyn is our patience, and we have found laughter to be a helpful remedy for moments of frustration.

MaKenzie has created a few messess in the last few weeks that made me want to pull my hair out and scream at first, but Garrett and I have just learned to laugh, clean it up, and move on. Here are two of the most recent messess:

For MaKenzie's second birthday her Grandma Voeks got her a tea set that she absolutely adores. This tea set is the best non-human babysitter that I could have ever asked for. (Well, Walt Disney videos are a definate competitor when it comes to the "non-human babysitter") Anywho, Kenzie will play with this tea set for hours. Any friends who come to the house to visit are always graciously offered several cups of tea.

Well, yesterday while I was nursing the baby Kenzie was sitting right in front of me with her back to me watching TV and playing with her tea set. She also had her sippy cup full of milk. I'm sure you can all put two and two together . . . Yes, my bright daughter decided that she needed some real liquid to fill her tea cups so she decided to take big sips of milk from her sippy and spit them into the cups and kettle of her tea set. I didn't catch onto the fun until the carpet, the toddler, and the tea cups were full of milk.

My first feeling was frustration. It was right before nap time and I had just changed her diaper in preparation for nap. The baby was fussy and I had a lot of management duties to tend to at that moment as well. So now I had a fussy baby, management duties, a toddler to change into dry clothes and a dry diaper, a floor to clean up, and a tea set to clean. So, I said quick prayer to avoid frustration and who should call but my dad? I explained the situation to him and he found great humor in the situation helping me to see the humor and laugh as well. My dad just saw his granddaughter as being smart . . . Mom didn't provide any real liquid for the tea, so she did.

Our second moment that left us wanting to pull out our hair occurred a few weeks ago when Kenzie found the baby lotion. I was nursing and Garrett was cleaning the kitchen and Kenzie was left to wonder at her own free will. After about ten or fifteen minutes of nursing I had that all to familiar, yet uncomfortable feeling that the house was too quite. I called to Garrett to ask if he could see Kenzie. We both began looking for her only to find her sitting on the floor in the nursery in a puddle of lotion. There was lotion in her hair, in huge globs all over her legs, lotion on the crib, you get the picture . . . The good news is that our nursery carpet is super soft and smells like baby lotion. :)

So, while these moments can be frustrating because all they seem to look like at the time is another huge mess to clean up, there really is a lot of humor to be had. Laughing rather than yanking Kenzie into time-out has been very helpful for everyone.

Lesson #2: Remember the joyful moments of the day. At the end of the day when I am in bed trying to settle in for a few precious hours of sleep I try to remember the joyful moments of the day. Most days this last week have been extremely difficult. This was my first week without any extra adult help which meant a lot less rest for me, which also meant I was more irritable and emotional. I have found a lot of relief in just remembering the precious moments of the day. Just those little things like MaKenzie giving Jordyn a kiss on the forehead, or Garrett coming home with a smile on his face and dinner in his hands. They're nothing huge, but help me to remember how much I really do love being a mother and how much I love the people I serve each day.

Lesson #3: Me time. Going from the mother of two to the mother of one puts a big damper on the amount of "me time" a woman has. By the end of the first weeks I was just so drained. As Garrett and I discussed ways to help me keep it together during these next few weeks and months he suggested that I be sure to get a few hours of me time in each week. This is time when I am free of the girls to do whatever I want.

At first I was almost confused by this idea. I regrettfully say that it's been a while since I have pursued any of my hobbies. I can't tell you the last time I picked up my flute, my guitar, or just sat at the piano. I can't tell you how long it's been since I did some good scrapbooking, and a lot of the books that I love to read are still in a box in storage. I have shamefully let some of my great talents tall to the wayside. So when Garrett suggested this it was really quite refreshing. Not only do I walk away from "me time" feeling refreshed and energized and ready to be a better mom, but I am also doing things that I really love to do. Motherhood is really the most demanding job anyone could have. There is always something to be done for someone in the household and its been easy for me to get so cuaght up in everyone elses needs that I forget about some of my own.

Lesson #4: When it comes down to it, motherhood is the job I always wanted and it's the best job ever. Just yesterday Kenzie woke up from a nap early so I went in to get her and we curled up on the couch together and she fell asleep in my arms. Jordyn was fast asleep in the crib next to us. While I looked at my sleeping girls I was overcome with awe and love for these two little beings that Heavenly Father has entrusted to me. I began to think about the day, which had basocally been one of the most trying days of my entire motherhood existence. As I thought I realized that motherhood is the only job EVER that can be so physically, emotionally, and spiritually demanding. It gives numerous daily opportunities to be patient, loving, understaning, and to render service. There is no other job that can give so many opportunities to practice the greatest characteristics that so many of us seek to aquire. I want nothing more than to be a patient, loving, understaning person - and motherhood gives me a chance to work on these qualities every day. It's not easy, and some days it doesn't feel like its worth it; but it is the job I always wanted and it's the best job ever!